So I figured this would be an appropriate time to review my “You might be a douchebag if” list. I have slightly updated it since the last time I wrote this… almost a year ago. So, read it over and feel free to add your own.
Anyway… you might be committing douchebaggery if:
Appearance:
you have fake baked within the last few months/years/ever
you have one or more earrings… possibly with bling
you can’t leave the house w/out dousing your body in Bod, Axe, Drakar Noir or Polo Sport
you wear a white college baseball cap (like one that says Cocks)… and don’t actually put it on your head to mess up your hair
you wear an “outfit” that matches from head to toe… like an all Adidas track suit (in velour)
you use enough gel to need a new bottle on a bi-weekly basis… and that gel makes your hair so hard it is nearly a solid mass, and a potential fire hazard
you have a tongue ring/nipple piercings/Prince Albert
you have a tattoo of barbed wire/tribal symbols/a confederate flag/asian characters
you have worn a wifebeater out in public when heading anyplace other than the gym
you wear a pinky ring or any ring that has bling or is connected between fingers, or you are still rocking you high school/college ring
you wear a thick chain in either silver or gold with a big cross (when you haven’t been to church in years),or with your high school football number or just any charm in general
you have worn a puka shell necklace in the past 3 years and have never been on a surfboard or lived on the beach
you have had a moustache when in reality you are incapable of growing more than a few sad hairs at one time… we call this phenomena a “ratstache”
you are still wearing a trucker hat with the mesh in the back
you cant tie your own tie
you have owned anything acid washed after the 80s
you own tapered leg jeans
you wear cut-off jean shorts
you wear shorts or pants in any shade of pastel possibly with little martinis, alligators, golf balls, etc. on them
you wear sunglasses inside or at night
you have a mullet or rattail
you walk around with your arms away from your side because your muscles are too big (or at least you think they are) to be able to put them down any further
you still take out the letter jacket from high school and wear it around sometimes
you have had/given a visible hickey after the age of 17
you can use the phrase “The blood on my shirt is from when I nicked my nipple shaving” or you have an overly obsessive hair removal plan, possible involving a regularly schedule appointment with a bottle of Nair
you have a “signature” dance move
you have a “signature” hand sign that you do in all pictures
your entire myspace photo gallery is just pictures of yourself
you have ever taken pictures of yourself posing shirtless, and then made them public
Vehicle:
you drive a Camaro/Firebird/muscle car/Japanese sportcar/truck either lowered or with a lift
you have a wing on the back of your car
you have neon lights under/anywhere on your car
you have spinners
you have an exhaust pipe enlargement
you have ground effects
you have any of the following stickers on your car… a flag of a country you were not born in/a saying in a foreign language you don’t speak/Calvin pissing on anything/a hunting or fishing sticker
you have anything airbrushed on your front license plate
you ride a crotch rocket… especially if your clothes and helmet match
your base arrives before you do
your high school graduation tassel is still hanging from your rear-view mirror
you have a vanity plate (oops, that means me)
you have more than one sticker from your undergrad on your car aka your car is referred to as the Dawg Pound by your friends
Personality:
you own on DVD/have a poster of Scarface/the Godfather/Rambo/Rocky
you have worked as a male stripper
you have gotten in a fight with a random stranger in public after the age of 19
you have done a keg stand/shotgunned/funnelled a beer after the age of 25
you talk about other women you think are hot in front of the person you are currently ‘getting with’
you have given yourself a nickname… (only friends are allowed to assign you a nickname, and more than just you and that person have to frequently call you that aka the Asian Sensation)
you have nicknamed your group of friends ie. The Pimpmaster Seven
you brag every Monday about how wasted you got the weekend before
you have ever complained when a girl makes you a meal because it is interfering in your lifting diet
you are taking steroids/creatine/protein shakes/the Beast and are not a major athlete
you still relive your high school/college sports career
you have never left your hometown for more than the four-eight years you were in college and the hardest decision you have to make during the week is which towny bar to go to
Female Dbaggery otherwise known as Douchebaggettery
Personal Appearance
you make a point of not wearing a bra this is only okay if you are a feminist and are deeply opposed to the male imposition upon your body (these women are in their own category of strange)
you have owned anything tapered or acid-washed after 1989
you are still rocking the claw, aka the overly large bangs we all had in high school
you have ever been accused of having cameltoe
you have a lower back tattoo that runs symmetrically from the middle of your spine to the side of your hips in a non-distinct swirly pattern… this is called a ‘skank tag’
you own anything with clear heels
your thong is visible to the general population
you have worn granny panties AND other people have noticed
you have ever left your house knowing full well that you are wearing colored underwear underneath something white
you own or have ever worn thonged bathing attire
you have fake-tanned, or sat in a tanning bed so long that you are now a shade of tangelo
you own/wear a perfume by any pop star aka Jlo, Britney, Beyonce, etc
you have a tongue ring
you have had/given a visible hickey after the age of 17
you use so much body butter that it smells like a damn beach when you enter the room
you are still rocking those fuzzy Ug boots
Vehicle
you have stupid shit hanging from your rearview mirror or your gear shift, this may include dolphins, heart-shaped anything, fuzzy dice, graduation tassels, and mardi gras beads (oh crap that just put me on the list)
you have animal print seat or steering wheel covers
you have any kind of sticker in your rear windshield with flowers, or a mention of how hot you are, or that you are a princess, etc
you have a vanity plate
you have an air freshener that knocks people off their ass when they open the car door with the scent of strawberries, tropical islands, coconut, whatever
you smoke especially those fancy ass colored cigarettes, or flavored crap
Personality:
you have worked as a ‘dancer’
you have gotten in a fight with a random stranger in public after the age of 19
you have done a keg stand/shotgunned/funnelled a beer after the age of 25
you brag every Monday about how wasted you got the weekend before
you constantly complain about your damn weight… especially when you are under a size 6
you have ever pretended you weren’t as smart as you are to get a guy to be interested
I loved the blog, as usual
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