Sam’s Ministrations on Life

Ah, so, I went on my first ‘date’ back out on the singles scene last Friday… St. Paddy’s day. I’m going to sum it up as follows… I am nowhere near being ready to start dating again. It was like a test for me to see if I was really ready to get out there, or if I was just drooling over cute guys in the grocery store. So, I met this guy on myspace… we chatted for a few weeks, he seemed smart, funny, low-key… And just to be sure I asked him if he was a serial killer and he told me no… so who wouldn’t believe an endorsement like that? I mean, come on, Lauren meets people online all the time, I’m online, not everyone out there is weird… right? Apparently not. So I agreed to meet him for drinks at a local pub… within two blocks of a burly male co-worker that I had ready on speedial in case there was any weirdness factor. I walk in, I’m thinking, well, it shouldn’t be hard to see a 6 ft tall black man in an Irish pub, right? Except when he’s sitting down and I can’t find him around all the drunken Buckhead Betties in their green tube tops. So I end up having to go up to a bunch of black guys in the pub asking them if their name is Luke.

When I finally find him he’s okay looking, not my type at all… he was certainly one of those people that choose photos where they look in their top 10% hottest, rather than their average day look. I call that false advertisement. He was a little too Oreo for me… if ya know what I mean. So this is how the first seconds of our meeting went…
“Hi, are you Luke?”
“Yeah, you must be Sam.”
“I’m glad I finally found you, although it was a little tricky with you sitting down.”
“Wow, you said you were short, but holly crap, you’re like a wee leprechaun.”
“Um… “

WTF… who starts a conversation like that. It’s not like I lied. 5’2” is 5’2”, it’s not like the scale bar next to me wasn’t right or something. I’m short, but maybe you’re freakishly tall.

Conversation flowed moderately well… aided in great part by some green beer. That is until he asked:
“So how long was your last relationship?”
“Um, ya know, kind of long, it was pretty serious.”
“What, like a whole 2 or 3 years?”
I didn’t have the heart to tell it was 7 years as I could already see the panic in his face.
“Sure, something like that.”
“Damn, don’t you feel like you WASTED 3 years of your life… you know you’ll never get those years back.”
“Um, not really, I wouldn’t be who I am today without those years. How long was your longest fling?”
“Oh, ten months back in high school.”

WTF #2. He just kept muttering “3 years”. Only 10 months… and you’re 24. What have you been sooo busy doing mister important? And didn’t he get the guy handbook of not asking about previous relationships… dude, off-limits, especially when you meet someone for the first time. At least wait to see if you get a second date.

The final straw came later, and for this I need to explain that after emailing for two weeks I had held nothing back with the online sarcasm… and he seemed cool with it, even claiming it was cool to meet someone as sarcastic as him. LIES. He actually said to me at one point… “Are you always like this?” Whatever, clearly he couldn’t hang. If someone doesn’t get my sarcasm they don’t really get me, and plus, they wont be able to tackle my friends either. So I claimed I was tired, had to get up early, yadda, yadda, yadda. He walked me to my car and the only thing I could to was give him a quick hug, mutter, “Boy, it’s cold out here, I better turn my heat on, I’ll call you later.”

I think I will shrink back into my hole, with my cats and my romance novels, and reemerge 6 months from now like Punxatawney Phil to see if I see my dating shadow.

This entry was posted on Saturday, March 25th, 2006 at 1:13 am and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.